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The Post-It That Stayed With Me

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A few years ago, I had to give a presentation as the culminating project for a leadership fellowship. I had spent a year working with a wonderful cohort, researching neuroscience and exploring how art could be used as a tool to make Jewish texts more approachable for learners of all ages. I poured my heart into the project. I also poured my heart into the cohort itself. One of the unique gifts of cohort-based learning in Jewish education is the depth of relationships that form. I believe this type of learning requires emotional investment: the stronger the cohort, the richer the experience. I was the person who looked forward to group dinners and coordinated travel plans, and in this case, organized activities around NYC. I know that level of enthusiasm can sometimes feel like a lot, so I expected occasional resistance, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened on the day of my presentation. As part of the opening activity for our closing seminar, we were asked to list the identities tha...
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I am no longer who I was before October 7th, 2023.

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I am still a fervent advocate for social justice, For equality and democracy. Before October 7th, I felt part of a movement bigger than myself; one that sought to make this world a better place for next generations; one that recognized the injustices of the past and sought to find ways to prevent them.  Those pieces of me are somewhere deep within me, except now, they manifest differently. I no longer have the peaceful approach within me. I no longer hide away from anger. Anger lives within me, and I embrace it. I am angry at the world, angry at those who I stood by and fought for. I didn’t stand by them for transactional purposes; I did because I believe in their plight. But they failed me. They failed us. The loneliness that has built up within me is a direct result from a failed movement that is selective in their search for social justice; one that does not look to defend the victim, but seeks to determine themselves who the aggressor is based on their opinion rather than histo...
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The Elphaba within: can we do good while drowning in resentment

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I don’t like the end of the year and this idea that we should be taking account of what we have accomplished for the past 12 months. It's as if there is a bar that we should set for the upcoming year, without room for failure. I have the terrible habit of focusing on failures over wins because I have failed to meet my own expectations. Before you say anything, I’ll preface by saying that I am speaking of part one Glinda and Elphaba, not part 2. I have now watched Wicked twice, and both times I have left the theater in awe of this balance of goodness and darkness, what goodness really looks like, whether or not I am happy with the choices I have made or disappointed that I wasn’t louder. And always, always, measuring my life through a professional lens: did I live up to the expectations of those around me and succeed, or did I fail them, did I “grovel in submission to feed [my] own ambition”?. Looking back at the last few years, it appears that I have indeed done just that. It is as...
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An overthinker's guide to survival

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  I will open by saying this: I should practice what I preach more often, so consider this the first step to recovery. Whenever someone says “you’re getting ahead of yourself” or “that’s too far ahead, I can't think about that now” I like to respond with “it’s because I am playing chess, not checkers”. It is the perfect answer; it's not that I am getting ahead of myself, I’m just being strategic with my time management and thinking for the long run. Except I am not. I am overthinking. Sometimes overthinking helps; we think ahead and prepare ourselves for the multiple possible outcomes, as if playing a very serious game of strategy. Every action has an equal opposite reaction (thank you, Hamilton) and is accounted for, so we are prepared for everything that comes our way. Sometimes, however, overthinking leads us down a very long winding road of possible negative outcomes, wreaking havoc to our nervous system; long gone are the hours of peace and quiet when the anxiety hits you ...
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Journaling while in denial: a story

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One of the saving graces as a Jewish education professional has been to recognize the role of addressing our own mental health needs so we can properly focus on providing the healthiest environment for our own students. As a mental health professional, in order to practice in the field, I am required to receive my own mental health supervision. As an educator, I find this type of support equally valuable, especially when our curriculum involves educating about an active war that affects our very core. As soon as the war started, I recognized that to be able to properly be there for my students, I had to take care of myself. Therapist: “Have you tried journaling?” Me: “no, I am terrible at it” Therapist: “Why?” Me: “Because why would I want to put into words the discomfort and go back and re-read it and sear it into my memory? What kind of masochist does that?” Joke’s on me, journaling is now what I do for a living. For the last 11 months, many of us have coped with the darkness of this...
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Living Jewishly in Uncertain Times

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Living our most authentic Jewish lives, or as I like to call it, Jewishly, is no longer things like your usual Shabbat dinner and grandma’s matzo ball soup. Long gone are the days where living Jewishly meant being your family’s designated carrier of recipes and holiday traditions, wearing the Jewish star you received for your Bat Mitzvah, discussing that youth group and camp life, and playing an unexpected game of Jewish geography.  Nowadays, to live Jewishly involves layers of complexity. We are often asked our level of practice; do we live by halakha (Jewish law)? Is there room for flexibility there? What about social justice? Where do we land on interfaith marriage? What about traditional ritual practices? Are we being too liberal or not traditional enough? And a current favorite, are you a zionist?! Take a deep breath and let's unpack this or, in my case, at least take out the stuff you immediately need and leave the rest for the next round of laundry (let’s be honest here, unp...
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I forgot how to take care of myself

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 I swear, sometimes I could bang my head against the wall. How can I be a Social Worker and educator and forget such a basic concept: I forgot how to take care of myself. Here's what happened: The last two years have been especially difficult in many ways. In the process of trying to find my new self, both professionally and personally, I managed to drop the ball on every single aspect of my life. In my quest for infallible Pam, I made every single mistake in the book; I over scheduled, over worked, and under slept (we'll pretend thats a real word) just so I could cover everything that needed to get done. I spent every extra moment I had with the kids in hopes to make up for everything and anything. I paid steep prices by losing friendships, disappointing people I look up to, falling behind on my readings for school, you name it. I screwed everything up. And then a war started, and the world started hating us, and because I am a Jewish educator, I needed to make sure that I was...
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