The Elphaba within: can we do good while drowning in resentment

I don’t like the end of the year and this idea that we should be taking account of what we have accomplished for the past 12 months. It's as if there is a bar that we should set for the upcoming year, without room for failure. I have the terrible habit of focusing on failures over wins because I have failed to meet my own expectations.

Before you say anything, I’ll preface by saying that I am speaking of part one Glinda and Elphaba, not part 2.

I have now watched Wicked twice, and both times I have left the theater in awe of this balance of goodness and darkness, what goodness really looks like, whether or not I am happy with the choices I have made or disappointed that I wasn’t louder. And always, always, measuring my life through a professional lens: did I live up to the expectations of those around me and succeed, or did I fail them, did I “grovel in submission to feed [my] own ambition”?. Looking back at the last few years, it appears that I have indeed done just that. It is as if I believe that I should be like Glinda and just do what it takes to fight from within, but end up like Elphaba, living with a world of resentment that brings out the worst in me. I have sold my soul for success and let others ground me instead.

Now, all of this is my own fault. See, I live and breathe Jewish education; the idea that working with students and their families grants me a direct line towards repairing the world; that minute where I feel so accomplished because the program was a success, or I spoke in public and didn’t curl into a ball of tears after. I have even found a way to balance all that work and maintain a great GPA and my family life. I have everything I thought I wanted, so why does it feel like it's no longer what I need? Hello, Elphaba.

The worst part of it all is that I have held onto so much resentment, so much pain, so much disappointment in myself that even getting what I want feels not good enough. I was more focused on not disappointing others over not disappointing myself. I have become so disillusioned with my own ambitions that they feel like they are never enough. I am never a good enough educator, a good enough student, a good enough parent. I am utterly exhausted from trying to be enough.

I really need to stop trying to be enough for everyone else.

I don’t want to let this feeling of trying to be enough keep me from reaching for more. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to live a life where I am doing everything else for others and not for myself. I don’t want all of this self-loathing to turn me “wicked”. Because, you know, the nature versus nurture thing.

I know, I have said this before. It’s the one goal I didn’t spend time working towards.

And before you tell me that all of this is just my way of seeking acceptance and making me Glinda, I need you to understand something: I am working towards not caring what everyone else thinks. I am working towards believing that I can do great things despite those who did not believe in me or that a win is a win, and I need to accept it. I want my Defying Gravity moment, where I truly believe that those who “grounded me” will finally see that all of that success was because of my own doing. I want to truly believe that I will show all those who doubted me that I am no longer letting pain and disappointment keep me from “match[ing] them in renown”.

I am also not perfect and understand that all of this is more of a long-term goal, that this isn’t a “New Year’s Resolution” moment. I would also like to add that I had to rewrite this ending because I shot myself in the foot and went into the world of settling for just enough rather than thriving over surviving. Part of this is going to require some self-acceptance that I am not totally ready to tackle just yet. So be patient, I am working on myself.