Comfortably Uncomfortable

What happens when we are forced to embrace our weaknesses? What happens when we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and say "I am not ready"? Worse, what happens when we have to look at those who we look up to and admit that we are not as strong as they would like to be. Trauma is just that. It is an evil rock that lodges itself in your chest and weighs you down. It unfortunately plays a role in every decision you make, eating at your every attempt at survival, and it sometimes has no regard to any of the healing that you try so hard to work towards. It holds you back and it parks you in its lot, pushing you to face everything that you hope to ignore because life would be infinitely easier if it just had never happened. I often find myself looking back at the story of Jacob and Esav. How Jacob, being the weaker of the brothers, resorts to cheating and lying to claim what he believes to be his. I look at his mother Rebecca, who enables the deceit because of her own belief ...

 During Elul (the last year in the Jewish calendar), we often focus our efforts on self-assessment, goal setting, and forgiveness. When asked what the difference is between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year) and the secular new year is for me, my answer (to some people's shock) is that Rosh Hashanah is the ultimate Jewish guilt trip. We spend a whole month entering a sacred space where we make herculean efforts to really dig deep and understand ourselves, just to reach Rosh Hashanah as the jumping board for Yom Kippur, where we enter into the "forgiveness debacle". What have we done that requires atonement? how do we plan on mending those cracks that we have inflicted in our souls and in others? how will we enter this most sacred period in Judaism ready to forgive ourselves and others? But what if forgiveness is not what we want? I am a deeply flawed individual. I am sure that the count of people I have wronged in my life exceeds others perceptions of who I am. I have al...

This dvar Torah is 25 years in the making. Yes, I delivered one for my Bat Mitzvah; no, I did not read the portion myself (wasn't allowed to) and whatever I spoke about (of which I have no recollection) clearly did not make any memorable impact on my life. Alas, here we are. Ki Tetzei means "When You Go Out" (to battle, since thats the next word in the sentence). This Torah portion contains the most Mitzvot (rules) in all the Torah, 72 to be precise. From rules about marriage, sexuality, to how to care for the land, Moses lays it all out with precise detail. That is a whole lot of rules to remember. If you read the list closely, you notice that almost every rule has a "balance" to it: "Do not plow with an ox and a donkey together", "Do not wear linen and wool together". It also outlines the rules on how to relate to one another: "Keep your promises", "When collecting debt, you shall do so in a righteous way". The majority ...

 One of the first things I do when I wake up in the morning is check my Timehop app (for those of you who don't know, it is an "on this day" type of app that will pull up all pictures and posts from this day as many years back as it can). While I have always found this particular routine soothing (thank you, OCD), it is raising a very specific issue for me that is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I am not ready for normalcy.  Let me preface by saying that I miss the world where leaving my house wasn't scary. However, after the last two years, and what has become glaring PTSD issues, I would much prefer sitting comfortably in fear than trying to readjust to the new definitions of normal. I am not naive enough to believe that the world will go back to what it was before COVID-19 wreaked havoc, but I am also not ready to rely solely on the decisions of others. Every time I watch TV, my brain goes to how close people are, or the lack of masking, or how long it has be...

During one of my tutoring sessions today, my student and I got to talking about creation. Granted, her Torah portion happens to be Bereshit, which talks about exactly that, how God created the world in seven days. First of, let's take a second to think about the enormity of creating an entire functional ecosystem in a week; I can't even get my laundry done in that time. All joking aside (well, partial joking, since I really am awful at keeping up with my laundry), I have always found comfort in this particular Torah portion. This isn't because of the predictable idea that one can create wonders out of nothing. After each day, God exclaims the following: 1 In the beginning of God's creation of the heavens and the earth.   א בְּרֵאשִׁ֖ית בָּרָ֣א אֱלֹהִ֑ים אֵ֥ת הַשָּׁמַ֖יִם וְאֵ֥ת הָאָֽרֶץ: 2 Now the earth was astonishingly empty, and darkness was on the face of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the water.   ב וְהָאָ֗רֶץ הָֽיְתָ֥ה תֹ֨הוּ֙ וָבֹ֔ה...

I find the concept of freedom to be somewhat relative and misleading. Do we talk about freedom from shackles imposed by others? freedom from our self-imposed restrictions? Is there really such a thing as pure, unadulterated freedom? how much of a margin of error is there when we determine ourselves as free? I believe it is unrealistic to expect someone who rids themselves from some form of shackles to consider themselves fully free. I believe that ignoring the marks of said shackles does nothing but perpetuate that lack of freedom. Do not get me wrong, I do believe that we are capable of releasing ourselves from pain, albeit sometimes temporarily, and achieve some level of freedom; however, the power in maintaining that freedom isn't in distancing ourselves from the oppressor, but in maintaining it/him/her/them as a constant reminder of where we have been, how they shaped us, and who we are capable of becoming. History has taught us time and time again that, when we choose to forge...

 I am sure the title of this post seems like a contradiction to many of you. How can you build from a place where you are paralyzed with fear; how do we create when we ourselves feel broken. This week's Torah portion (and no, before you stop reading, I am not writing a fully religious post here, so try to bear with me) talks about the time Moses goes to Mount Sinai to receive what will then become the Ten Commandments. While he is up there, the people become restless. There is a prevalent fear that he is taking too long and that they have been left with no guidance or hope. In order to find comfort, Aaron and the men collect all the gold and build a Golden Calf, in hope that this will become a God that will then guide them and give them comfort. Of course, many of you know what happens next: Moses comes down with the Tablets, God gets mad, makes Moses tear the Tablets, he sends a plague to the Israelites, gives them 40 more years in the desert, and Moses goes up the mountain again ...